Tips for talking with a loved one about substance use
How to help a loved one who increasingly relies on alcohol to cope with life.
One of the key things to keep in mind is that shame doesn't work as a motivator. When people are drinking too much, they might already feel ashamed. Criticizing them, blaming them or telling them what to do, just pushes them further away.
Drinking “too much” can vary from person to person. For some, that could be four or more drinks in a single occasion. Or 8-15 drinks per week. If you're drinking that much, you're getting into an unhealthy range. It's a good idea to talk with your provider about other options to handle stress or the reason for drinking.
The challenge is to be as supportive as possible to the person and help understand their own goals. Try to help them understand how their substance use may be interfering with those goals, without imposing your own goals/wishes/hopes/expectations.
“It might also be helpful to frame this as 'understanding the functioning of their substance use.' This could naturally reveal what it is about their use that is getting in the way, but also why they believe this is an effective tool.” says Jordan Schaefer-Limbach, QMHP, a mental health counselor at PeaceHealth in Eugene, Oregon.
Keep in mind that even if they reject what you say, that doesn't mean they didn't hear you. It requires incredible patience and tact to encourage someone to get help or alter their behavior. Consider having resources available for the person to reach out to Al Anon or another community resource.
“Try to understand why the person might be hesitant to change. Do they believe it is because of an ‘I can’t’ mindset? This implies that they perhaps would like to but don’t know how. Or is it an ‘I won’t’ mindset? This can also help identify what level of support the person might need based on their readiness to change.” says Schaefer-Limbach.
Throughout the process, be sure to have personal or professional support for your own well-being. Al Anon or AA are generally useful; however, seeing a caring individual therapist is often more productive. “Not only does it provide an opportunity to access professional guidance, but it also normalizes and destigmatizes the act of getting support,” says Schaefer-Limbach.
You also might find the following tools and resources helpful as you prepare for the conversation:
- Alcohol and drug use resource site, including a “check your symptoms” tool.
- A printable worksheet on Reasons to Cut Down on or Stop Drinking.
