How to find joy when dealing with grief at the holidays

Holidays that are usually a time of celebration can be difficult if you’ve lost a loved one.

Colleen Storey knows well how heavy grief can be. A supervisor at PeaceHealth hospice, Storey says, “Holidays can be full of triggers for people who are grieving. Memories of happier times can bring pain.” Still, she says there are ways to find peace during special occasions.

Holiday triggers

With the year-end holiday season spanning a couple of months, it can feel like a long time to someone who has experienced a loss. While others are caught up in the hustle and bustle, you might feel lonelier. And it’s easy to be overwhelmed by:

• Sights, sounds and smells
• Decorating and shopping
• Socializing with family and friends

Carrying on family traditions over the holidays may seem empty without your loved one. You might wonder:

• Who will cook the family meal?
• Wrap the gifts?
• Light the menorah?
• Perform the ritual prayers?

Talk with friends or family about which traditions, if any, you want to keep and how.   

New ways to celebrate

You can also choose to celebrate in new and different ways. Maybe repeating familiar traditions makes the absence of your loved one more obvious and more painful. Do what is best for you. Consider these ideas:

• Allow a family member or a restaurant to be responsible for that huge family dinner.
• Plan to go out of town to visit friends or for a personal time of change and quiet reflection.
• Shop catalogs or online if the noise of holiday shoppers and the mall is too intense.
• Reduce your mailing list. Send holiday greetings to only a select few.
• Buy the “perfect gift” for your departed loved one and donate it to a homeless shelter or family gift program.
• Eliminate the stress of a live tree. Decorate a table-top tree or place a centerpiece of evergreens on your table. It can be just as festive.
• Participate in gift giving in other ways. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or help a family in need.
• Keep your loved one’s name and spirit alive by donating to a cause they supported.

How to help those who are grieving

If you know someone who is grieving, consider what might help them. One of the best things you can do is validate their feelings.

“Often, others are afraid to say the name of our loved one due to worrying they may upset us," Storey says. "What people do not understand is that we need to hear the name of our loved one spoken aloud. It helps us to remain connected. It helps us to know they were important in our lives and still are.” 

Here are some ways to help others who might be struggling at this time of year:

• Acknowledge their loss.
• Ask questions and listen.
• Offer or extend practical help.
• Be patient. Grief is a lifelong process, not an event.

Take care of yourself

Self-care is always important, and especially when you’re grieving. One simple approach is to practice DEER: 

• Drink water 
• Eat well 
• Exercise
• Rest 

These are good habits to follow, and even more so when you don’t feel much like doing them. 

Keep in mind that feelings change. It might be hard to imagine when you’re in the midst of loss, but someday peace and joy will return.

“As time goes by, you will again be able to enjoy the holidays,” Storey says.