Stuffing vs processing emotions: how to manage your feelings in the moment

Do you try to ignore, bury, distract or “stuff” feelings that make you uncomfortable?  

“That’s a normal response to uncomfortable feelings,” says Angie Wharfield, LCSW, a behavioral health clinician at PeaceHealth in Eugene, Oregon. “We don’t want to feel uncomfortable, which is why we’re all pretty good at using strategies to avoid those feelings.”

But rather than trying to ignore or shut down your emotions, it’s helpful to listen to them and learn ways to move through them for your long-term health and well-being.

“I think it’s helpful to normalize the desire to ignore or use distraction as a coping strategy for strong emotions.  In fact, it can be a very helpful short-term strategy.  But those strategies aren’t healthy for us in the long term so it’s important we go back and process those feelings at another time,” she says.

For example, if you’re feeling really sad, you might use distraction by thinking of something else while you’re shopping or doing something you have to get done to avoid bursting into tears in public. Later, when you have time alone or with a trusted friend, give yourself a chance to reflect on what you’re feeling and why.

Signs it's time to process

Wharfield says that when intense emotions come up over and over again or you find yourself reacting or responding in ways you don’t like or intend, that may be a sign to take a step back and do some self-reflecting and emotional processing.  

“If you don’t process, those emotions will tend to keep showing up in ways that interfere with the way you want to live and interact with others,” she says.

You might even notice physical symptoms such as tense muscles, headaches, upset stomach and higher blood pressure levels. Read how your body and mind are connected.

A tool to help process emotions

When emotions feel overwhelming, there are ways to break them down and help them feel more manageable and less scary.

Wharfield often shares with patients the “RAIN” tool, created by a mindfulness teacher in the 1980s. Many variations of the steps have been taught over the years, but in general RAIN stands for:

1. Recognize. Notice your situation and your emotions. Name the emotion(s), if possible. You can be specific or general (upset, anxious, confused, angry or hurt).

2. Allow or accept. Don’t fight the emotion. Don’t resist it. Don’t judge whether it’s "good" or "bad." Pause and say “It's OK. Let's just let this be for a few moments.”

3. Investigate. Ask yourself some questions in a non-judgmental way.

• Why do I feel this way? Where is this coming from?
• What really wants my attention?
• Where in my body am I feeling the emotion? Throat, chest, belly, head?
• What is this emotion telling me?
• What am I believing right now?
• Am I feeling vulnerable, scared, sad? What do I need? Love? Acceptance? Forgiveness? Rest? Silence?

4. Non-Identification/Nurture. Observe your thoughts and feelings as a passing event.

• Remind yourself that you are not your feelings or thoughts. Feelings come and go.
• Be kind to yourself. Give yourself healthy options for letting go of emotions, such as:
  • Closeness to others (a hug, a conversation, a laugh, snuggle with pets)
  • Time alone (journaling, music, a bath, a nap, cry)
  • Physical activity (a walk or run, breathing exercise)

RAIN is just one tool that might be helpful if you feel overwhelmed by your feelings. Professional counselors and mental health providers can give you additional ways of exploring and managing day-to-day emotions.

Talk to your primary care provider if you could use a little help to learn healthy coping skills for life.

Learning to process emotions doesn’t always come naturally. But it gets easier with practice, says Wharfield. And it’s well worth the effort.